why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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