I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize