I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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