I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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