I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Life is so much better after having sex.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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