who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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