You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
