I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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