don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
