My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
