Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
