Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
