This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
