also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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