What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
