If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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