remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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