She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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