The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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