Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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