My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize