I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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