i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
