Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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