By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
