so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
