this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
