Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
