Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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