If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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