I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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