I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize