i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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