Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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