We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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