New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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