oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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