mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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