planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
