Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just want to make out with him forever
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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