Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
