Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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