There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
