I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
