Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
