When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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