we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize