Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize