Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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