remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
