i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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