I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
