oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
