I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
