apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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