What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
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