atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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